My resolutions are always boring. Lose weight. Exercise more. Practice my guitar with more regularity. No one wants to hear about that though, so I decided to use my blog space to help other folks write resolutions. Besides, these people need help.
Rosie O’Donnel: I resolve to stop being a fat pig. From now on, I’ll try and be a thin one.
Barry Bonds: I resolve to tell the truth about steroids. Just as soon as my nose quits growing.
Terrell Owens: I resolve to think about other people first. I resolve to admit that I am to blame for my own mistakes. I resolve to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem. I resolve to show respect to my teammates and fellow players. I resolve to… ah screw it. I hate all of you.
Michael Irving: I resolve to quit sucking up to T.O. I resolve to stop clutching my co-host’s arms on NFL Countdown. I resolve to think before I speak. I resolve to… ah screw it, I hate all of you too.
Britney Spears: I resolve to wear panties.
Paris Hilton: I don’t.
Dick Cheney: I resolve to check my target more carefully.
President Bush: I resolve to admit I made a mistake. Just as soon as I make one.